What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
10.06.2025 09:56
This is soul school!.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
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One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
But it wasn’t much.
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Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
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My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I said to her
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
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Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
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I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
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And i lived it daily.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
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Comes on , in middle age.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
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And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
He knew the spot.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
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Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I don,t even have a pension.
Put me off passion for life!!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I was 9 years of age.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
He resisted the act ,that day.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I waited trembling.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I have no regrets .
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
She was in good health!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
So whats the point in blame.
I could never make a relationship work though!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
My family never makes their pension either.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I write beautiful poetry .
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
But, we were locked up after school.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Ive learnt so much.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I couldn’t, believe it.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Would this be the day?
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
She married twice! .
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
All the time i was locked up.
One cannot live in the past .
My life is so biszare .
We were not on the streets..
Was to survive, this bastard.
But ive been too sick for many years..
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
She found it foreign!.
As i do to all so called friends.?
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Im dying but, im not bitter.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
When she asked me how she looked .
I never cut or harmed myself..
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
It was going to be , some day.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Im still living with it.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I was scared of men, in general
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I was very sick at this time too.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
So, i spoilt her more .
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Why did i forgive my father ?
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
We all went to grammer schools
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Especially a lifetime of it.
What did i know ?
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I was seconnd youngest,
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
She wouldn,t have been !
I will be 64.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I think the readers, may guess!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Who then, do I blame.?
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
She loved him until the end.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.